From the creators of, umm, well…chaos (a.k.a. officemates killing time) comes...
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Gentlemen, this is Moo.
Ladies, this is Me.
Ah, look at that good ol’ cow. So serene. So unaided. So cute, so charming. So composed you’ll easily mistake him for an officemate’s stuffed coin purse. Guess he’s not even capable of chanting some extra moos for the green, green pastures, right? Well, guess again.
Oh my! What’s this? A flying Moo aided by The Hand of Fate! Wait, is that the same hand which led that girl with sweaty underarms in a TV ad to Mr. Right? C’mon, you tell me.
Elsewhere, Me flicks a cigarette to pass time thinking, “Maybe I should light this stick for the viewers to believe that I am really capable of smoking.” While in the middle of such unfathomable musing, Me has no idea that flying Moo just shared the frame with him. (A little cropping action would make it a lot easier for a dramatic picture of Me—pamprenster, ‘ika nga—but the makers of this ‘inde film have something else in mind.)
WHATTHEFUCK??? (Egoy intonation, please.)
Moo: Moo! Moo! Moo!
Me: Nye!
“Noooooooo! I don’t eat corned beef. You’re misguided, you freakin’ cow. I. Don’t. Eat. Corned. Beef! Eeeeeyyaaaaahh!”
But Moo is on a mission. He’s programmed for the domination of every two-legged bozo who, for once in his/her life, LOL-ed (laughed out loud) because the nipples of cows appear like used baby condoms. (Huh? Condoms for babies?) Catching Me off-guard, Moo tugs him by the hair and prepares to draw first blood.
And first blood Moo draws! With all his beefiness, Moo smashes Me’s head to a filing cabinet where pornographic materials of Cris Villonco are stacked. (FYI, Cris Villonco once appeared in the menacing pages of Pulp—when ‘twas still sold at P75.00—in a tight, black leather get-up. With a chain matching her sinister make-up! Rawrrr, masochism.)
After his cranium hit cold metal, Me is busted wide open. He is now bleeding profusely (blood was edited out for the sake of the young viewers). To intensify the punishment, Moo gives Me an earth-shaking blow to his lower lip.
Enter the man-cow struggle. Had this film been enhanced by Dolby-generated sound effects, you’ll hear a tumultuous line exchange, a little something like this:
Moo: Mooooo!
Me: Aaaaahhh!
Moo: Mooooo!
Me: Aaaaahhh!
Moo: Mooooo!
Me: Aaaaahhh!
Hmmm, very turbulent, I should say. Anyway…
Moo’s bovine boldness manages to emerge as he literally clouds the whole of Me’s pretty face. Oh yes, Moo looks like a spider in that shot. Just don’t mind it.
Finally, Me realizes that there should be no cowing around. He gathers his strength and prepares to retaliate.
Smithsonian sublimation! What a blow!!! See how Me’s fist ram into Moo’s very being?! Manny who, bebe? Manny who?
And down goes the cow! Woohoo! Trace the elation in Me’s pretty face. (With that face? I dare you, dude.) It’s indeed celebratory for mankind. But then in Cowland, only the memories of Moo shall be remembered. All Mooers will soon gather round for one final graze in honor of the noblest cow they ever knew. This is the darkest day cows could ever imagine. So dark that they will boycott mankind’s raping stage for milk and t-bone. They will refuse, yes. For man marked the day that Moo died. (Play: The Warrior is a Child by Gary V.)
**** Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! ****
And, of course, after all’s been said and done, how could our seasoned actors forget—THE bow!
Cast:Jill’s cow coin purse as Moo
Me as Me
Mitch as The Hand of Fate (she’s also the one responsible for the artsy angling of camera shots and picture upload)
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THE GARAGE GIG
November 13, 2006
Let's pretend that you're deaf and I'm mute.
And that we're fucked.
Rock steady, rock easy.
"Coz you know where I'll be found--when I come arooouund."
Go, Mr. Frontman. Bleed some more!
>>> AFTER The Show <<<
Padila naman sa tahong (mo), beybe.
More photos here.
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